Name up to three aspects of my life you want me to photograph. They can be specific (my bedroom), or not so specific (something red). Taken from heygingersnap.

I'm pretty bored these days so... why not?

Being Twenty-Something...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along
with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself
that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder
where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely
know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most
important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you
would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you
are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find
yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have
certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your
list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and
then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such
damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent
enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but
love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because
you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just
like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We
are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to
figure this whole thing out.

i just want to pass the eff out.

slept at 8:30am yesterday... until 12:30pm. so four hours, before i had to drag my ass out of bed.

and then i had to to be out and about helping with senior banquet crap ALL FREAKING DAY.

i got back home at 11pm and finally am working on the results section of my research paper.

it is due 'before daylight on saturday'... so i have a few more hours. =/

i have THE biggest love-hate relationship with the university of michigan.


right now, i'm totally in the "hate" mode.

"i loved you,
grey sweatpants
no makeup,
so perfect"

this line in this song just gets to me!


and.
i should be studying.

some things...i just don't know.

i'm back in the great city of ann arbor :)

i am SO excited for whatever this year will bring.

140

"remember when we never needed each other
the best of friends, like sister and brother..."

patience. i just need to let things play out...

i need summer. i need four months away from the people here; not that i dislike anyone or whatever, i just need to clear up the thoughts that have been going through my mind. but until then, i MUST focus. less than a month left of school, i can't slack off at this point.
---

broomball was hilariously fun tonight... the other team "forfeited" so we played just for the heck of it.

-share the gospel with at least ONE person
-go through "my utmost for his highest"
-devote at least 30 minutes everyday to prayer
-start up my reflection journal again

-guard my heart... (waiting till 3rd year?)
-call home at least once a week while i'm at school
-learn to be vulnerable and open with my girl friends
-break out of the asian/christian bubble

-read one "fun" book every three months (four total for the whole year)
-lose 10lbs minimum (butts&guts, dance class -- go to the gym at least three times a week for one hour)
-try something new i've done before (vague... but does anyone have any ideas?)

-at least two solid A's in both semesters
-update the resume and get some work experience!
-participate in class more
-visit office hours once every 2 weeks, minimum

westside ladies are always so beautiful to me.

starbucks. can't live without it... i'm loving the holiday drinks.

( procrastinating during this finals period... :( )

looking at old pictures makes me see how much fatter i've gotten.

how depressing...

no this is not a 'pity me' entry. i don't want people telling me "oh you're not fat!" because that's not the point. i may not be FAT but i've definitely gained too much weight in the past year especially. i have to be good about food and exercise next year. there better not be any such thing as 'sophomore fifteen' or i will seriously freak out.

sigh. my weight fluctuates between 130-135 lbs now. i did not successfully accomplish "mission GET FIT" this summer. that means i'm approximately 15 to 20 lbs heavier than i used to be a year ago.

i cannot be influenced by my midnight cravings next year. and finals stress cravings. i will instead grab a water bottle. at least that'll give my tummy the full feeling, and then i can pee it all out.

rachael (my to-be roomie) is a pretty hardcore runner. i hope she rubs off on me.
---------


three generation of women.
my mom, me, my grandma.
june 2004.

(crappy quality because i took a picture of the picture...if that makes any sense)

chilling in the cottage

WARNING: beware of my makeup-less face
( more... you better come look )

10 things i hate about you.
how do i LOATHE thee? let me count the ways.

1. i hate the way you are just too hard to understand
2. i hate the way you need so much of my time
3. i hate the way you make me feel so STUPID.
4. i hate the way you are so boring and put me to sleep.
5. i hate the way you stress me out
6. i hate the way i have to spend so much time and money to be with you
7. i hate the way i can't sleep in because of you
8. i hate the way you make me stay inside on beautiful summer days
9. i hate the way i can't spend much time with other people because of you
10. i hate the way i have to try to be a nerd just for you!

most of all, i hate the way i don't hate you, not even a bit, not even at all.


(actually that last line is BS! just trying to copy the movie hahahaha)















yessss its true. i hate you.... CHEMISTRY. 12.5 hours a week! yuck. is it really possible to learn all this crap in a span of 18 days of class? i don't think brains can register information that fast. oh well. i'm halfway through, by the end of tomorrow. i can make it..... hwa eeee ting! and please oh please make the exam on aug 15! i will cry if it's not. but i always seem to have the worst luck when it comes to timing. but no more complaining. or i'll try at least. maybe i'm learning...perseverance? or something? and i should consider it a blessing that i can be educated, unlike the majority of this world. .........but stillllllllllll :( i can't wait till it's over.

and am i ever excited for friday! wouldn't YOU like to know why...hehe. <3 actually this whole weekend might be nice, if all goes to plan. quality time is KEY, and i've been severely lacking in that area these days. let's go sit in a starbucks and just TALK, shall we?


i am tired.
je suis fatiguee.
je suis fattygay.
hahaha, i've always found that amusing ever since i started learning french in grade four.

long time no update. i went to europe and am now back.

currently far too lazy to update on the trip and upload pics. but i'll do that sometime soon. and oh my gosh, summer school at UT starts in 2 days! aigoo... that's going to be fun -_-;;

and might i add that my brother never ceases to crack me up.
example #1:
"you know, it's hard to blow out of your nose and your mouth at the same time"
(who says that??!? and then demonstrates it!!!)
example #2:
*large group of fat people walk by*
him: "heyyy it's like the OC"
me: "what???" *thinking of the tv show*
him: "obese camp"

okay this was pretty pointless but i must do a good europe update. later. mmm time to pass out? i think YES.

typically i don't talk about the events at church or anything spiritually important to me in this journal too much; religion seems to be something that makes people uncomfortable or they despise it or something along those lines. but being christian has become such a HUGE part of me... it's not merely a "religion", it's a way of living. and it's definitely changed me so much in many ways, which i know have only been for the better.

i'm just mentioning this because i want to get out my spiritually related thoughts as well. and if that's going to bother you, just SKIP MY ENTRIES. this is a sort of disclaimer, i suppose.
---

anyway. tonight i went to church for the praise & prayer night, which was awesome--and i can honestly say that. for the past while, things have been pretty dry. i feel like spiritually in a desert, with my heart as cold and hard as stone. but it's the first time i felt so genuine in this time of worship, where i focused on just lifting His name up, and didn't concern myself with the other people around me. there were moments where i struggled (it's been an ongoing thing for me), but i put my eyes and my heart back onto the cross... and it was something between me and God. it wasn't some experience or high i was looking for. it was a time to rejoice in the Lord and really making the worship all about Him.

Jesus be the Lord of my life, not in part, but the whole of me...

not only was the time of praise awesome, the guest pastor really touched me. about how we have to be living sacrifices, WILLINGLY, out of thankfulness. why? because jesus christ was sacrificed on the cross, to take away our sins and make us pure again, when it should've been us who suffered on the cross. we have freedom in HIM, because of that amazing sacrifice. so in turn, we don't belong to ourselves... that's when we say, "take my life and use it for your glory", rather than conforming to ways of this world. i really liked his analogy about being a boat on water. a boat needs water for it to move, but once it lets the water come in, the boat sinks. it's the same thing with our christian lives. we (as the boat) need the WORLD, or else our christian lives don't make sense--what impact can we make? but as soon we start conforming to the world, we begin sinking. that hit me hard. because i think lately, i've just been cooped up in my boat, with no water. i'm stuck on dry land. so... yeah. i've already been thinking in what ways i need to make a few changes.

also! when he said we shouldn't think highly of ourselves because we're ALL sinners, there's no "big" or "small" to sin... it's still considered sin, and that we shouldn't cut ourselves down too much either because each and every one of us are VALUABLE. why else would God sacrifice his one and only son to die on the cross for sinful broken people like us? because he LOVES US THAT MUCH. we're all precious in His eyes. and that touched me so much, because i'm so prone to seeing only the negative parts of me. which i shouldn't. because God loves me just as i am. how awesome is that? to know that no matter how many times i mess up, no matter how many times i want to just GIVE UP... God won't ever give up on me.

so once again, it goes back to sheeeer thankfulness, and why we would want to give up our lives as living sacrifices. this is the first time i haven't felt guilty about God loving someone like me. instead i am filled with gratitude. one of the praise songs at the beginning of the night had one line which was a personal prayer for me... "restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation. and renew a right spirit within me." by the end of the night, i was smiling as we sang "how good it is to be loved by You".

may this not be some one-time spiritual high... i hope this is a step towards breaking the cold critical person that i am, so that He can change me. "little by little, everyday, little by little, everyway, my jesus is changing me (he's changing me~)"

so, i went to nyc the past weekend. and i have pictures. ( lots & lots )

so i got my hair permed. i haven't decided if i like it or not yet.


and wow. my computer is spastic.

and DOUBLE wow. i'm already annoyed at my parents (specifically at my mom...) i've gotten far too used to doing what i want whenever i want to. now i have all these STUPID restrictions placed on me. when i go to bed, when i wake up, when i can go out, what i can eat, when i can eat... etc. it's annoying as HELL. i hate it, i really do. i could've gone to helen's house today to do karaoke and chill, and maybe go to BR. OR i could've gone to stephen's place since a bunch of guys are going to go play poker and hang out. BUT NOPE. i HATE it. i'm probably being a huge drama queen about this, but it's really pissing me off. it almost makes me want to go back to michigan. when will they realize that i NEED to be independent and do my own thing? i don't want to be babied by them any longer.

happy (belated) easter! He has risen :) i can't believe, sometimes, how certain holidays become SO commercialized. lets go back to their true meanings.
---

jae took me and haemin out to la dolce vita, since lent has ended, therefore haemin and i can have our sweets and desserts again. and guess what? we smoked a cigar! yes, including me. hahahaha. how cool is that? i've never smoked anything in my life. it was chocolate-flavoured, how very delicious. jae's like an expert at it... i wanna learn how to blow donut-like shapes.